“This one’s for the lonely
The ones that seek and find
Only to be let down
Time after time

This one’s for the torn down
The experts at the fall
Common friends get up now
You’re not alone at all

This one’s for the faithless
The ones that are surprised
They are only where they are now
Regardless of their fight

This one’s for believing
If only for it’s sake
Common friends get up now
Love is to be made

This is for the ones who stand
For the ones who try again
For the ones who need a hand
For the ones who think they can

It comes and goes in waves,
I am only let to wonder why
It comes and goes in waves
I am only let to wonder why”

I think its funny how songs hit you when you need them the most. Thats what I love the most about music, actually. Music becomes what you need it to be. Like the most caring friend, the most intimate of lovers. It commiserates, it cheers you, and it lifts you up. Most of all, it understands you.

This song talks about falling, and trying again. And wondering why. Who doesn’t remember a time when they fell? I remember a lot of times. I remember getting up too. I remember how hard it was sometimes. When you’re carrying the hurt and failure of that fall, it hurts to stand on two feet and walk. It hurts to lack the conclusion to the story. It hurts to have failed, and to have no one to help you, sometimes.

But its manageable when someone is there with you, gripping you by the elbow and pulling you up. Its okay when someone is standing beside you, holding you up. Its alright when there’s a reason. I’ll stand and fight for another day if there’s hope for me.

Its something I told myself when I started all of this. When I knew that there was nothing else I could do. When I knew that it was sing or don’t survive… I knew that I would have to fight for myself every day. Half the time I wonder why people like the sound of my voice. Its scratchy, its out of tune sometimes, its dull and its shrill on high notes. I’m full of imperfection, and it makes me wonder… how can anyone in this world make anything of themselves if they’re anything like me… How can I become more than a girl who sits at home and dreams of distant, unattainable things? How could I ever become more than my pathetic, sad, small self?

Half of this is fighting myself. Ignoring the little voice that tells me that this will never amount to anything. Leaving my chances to fate and letting things be. Knowing when to laugh at myself instead of yelling at myself for a crap job. And all of it is knowing that if I don’t do something now, step out of myself soon, don’t stand up and fight for myself… My dream will fade, little by little until it is only a memory I shake my head at. I can’t let that fire go out. Thats what I tell myself.

And as I push this fire to burn brighter, my success and happiness comes and goes. Like water, ebbing and flowing. Building and falling, burning with passion and then fading to embers.

I guess that’s how it feels to try, huh? To own up to loving something enough to back it up, and follow it where it’ll lead you.

Over the weekend, I went to my first rehearsal for the renaissance faire that I’ll be working at this summer. It was fun. But the problem I’ve always had with people came up. I just don’t know what to say. I want to relate, I want to make connections. I want to seem approachable. But for some reason I’m not. I sat eating my lunch, possibly the only person not talking to another, and I felt like crap. I was jealous, I was sad, and I felt pathetic. And all I could think about was how wrong this felt, how much I wanted to run away and hide from all these feelings. But I didn’t. I sat there, ate my lunch and walked to my next class. Ultimately I was stuck out there for about twelve hours, letting those feelings rot me from the inside. By the end, I was within myself, down on my knees and laughing at my heart for even trying.

It was hard to get back up from that. To push those feelings away and to stand back up. My friends helped me, so did time, and so did my accomplishments thus far. When I came back home and checked my youtube page, all of my views had jumped and I had new comments from new people as well as a new subscriber. And I remembered that even though I have a problem with meeting new people, I have many friends whom I love dearly. And that the despair I felt at that place has always been countered with love and laughter and goodwill from the people that I hold dear. Feelings like the feeling of being silent in a crowd of people, they come and they go.

And I’m standing, despite the fall. Despite the many, I’ll keep standing as tall as I can.